Awkward Sex Adventures!
by Incoming Airport
Summary: What happens when I have to much time on my hands and have recently been notified of the existence of Brutus/Cassius as a ship. Please don't use this story to reflect my values or if I actually ship this. R&R


AN: So, here you are. My first thing here and it's about a play that not only is by Shakespeare, but is one of the less known ones! And it's smut. It should be noted that I don't actually ship this, and will not write porn for you, this is simply for comedic purposes.

* * *

Brutus was in his tent late at night, as he always was. It was actually rather odd. Like, he _did_ live in it, at least for the time being, but you wouldn't expect him to spend every waking hour in it. But, here he was sitting, in a tent. Then he heard a knock. How did he hear a knock in a tent when tents have no doors? The answer, my friend, is simple. It was just Cassius hitting a rock.

Oh, did I neglect to mention Cassius lived in a tent very close by? Because of course he does. Anyway, because it's a perfectly normal thing to just casually try to go into someone's tent in the middle of the night, Brutus stood up to answer. He looked at the rock. Cassius looked at the rock. He looked again. So did Cassius. Cassius attempted to eat the rock. Brutus closed the door on him.

"Lucius, do drugs exist yet?" He asked his servant.  
"I think so, my lord."  
"Alright, he's not crazy, just high."  
"I don't think that's the case, my lord."  
"Then what is?"  
"Pica, my lord."  
"What even is that?"  
"I do not know, my lord."

Brutus opened the door again, grabbed the rock, and smashed it on the head of Cassius. He'd heard that large head injuries can remove the effects of drugs. Actually, he wasn't sure if he was on drugs, but figured he'd try it anyway. It seemed to work, so he threw the rock away.

"Did I just waste the entire beginning of what's supposed to be smut with Cassius eating a rock?" He wondered aloud. Nobody seemed to hear. Except, my lovers, you. He then let his friend inside of the tent, who then let out a dramatic sigh.

"Are you doing alright? You seem more suicidal than normal."  
"That's because I am."  
"I have something that could help with that."  
"Antidepressants?"  
"No, something better."  
"More antidepressants?"  
"I _said_ , something better!"  
"And that is?"  
"A dagger."

Now, my friend, my roman, my countryman, I must explain something to you. In this context, dagger does not mean the weapon, but something else. A certain male body part.

Brutus raised his eyebrows suggestively, pointing to his crotch. Cassius looked to where he was pointing, and then back up at him. By looking in his eyes, Brutus could see that he felt betrayed.

"Shouldn't I be the one who says that?" He didn't so much as ask it as a question than begin a monologue. This time it was Brutus's turn to sigh.

"The point is, I have a penis and it will make you feel better."  
"It will?"  
"Well, until we're done having sex."  
"How long will that be, then?"  
"You're expecting _me_ to know?"  
"Well, yeah, I sort of am."  
"It'll last as long as you want it to last."

That was actually a lie on his part. But he was talking to someone half his size, and had a feeling that he would not be able to withstand him for that long.

"How do we even, like, do sex?" asked Cassius, the state of Virginia. Brutus shrugs. He's only fucked Portia, so he had no experience with how to do the same to a man.  
"I think we have to undress first, right?" He looked at his friend-turned-lover for confirmation. He nodded to signify that he agreed.  
"Okay, so normally one person undresses the other, I think. So, take off my clothes while I take off yours." They started doing that, but then their arms got all twisted into a knot. After fifteen minutes of attempting to come undone, they were successfully preparing to _be_ done, and were undressing each other with the art and precision of ballet. And then, it was time for the main course.

Sex.

"So, what do we do now?" Cassius asked Brutus. He was the closest thing to a Sex Ed teacher he'd ever gotten, and he wanted to remember all of the useful information he'd get that day.  
"I don't know, I've only ever done this with my wife."  
"Well, then come up with something."  
" _You_ come up with something!" Given that question, he just kind of flopped onto Brutus, doing nothing.  
"I actually find this arousing," Brutus said, and then got a big ol' boner. Okay, big is an exaggeration. But it was visible, so give him credit. This confused Cassius.  
"Of everything to have a fetish for, it's people falling asleep on top of you naked?"  
"You're kinkshaming me."  
"Being accused of kinkshaming is _my_ kink, so there!"

Having figured out what the other fancied, the two of them then set out to actually do the thing called sex. What happened next was far to graphic for me to write here. But, for your curiosity, here's what they said.

"So, you said that this is better than antidepressants, right?"  
"It _is_ an antidepressant."  
"But you just sa–"  
"If we argue like this, we'll never actually be able to do what you came here for."  
"Actually, I came here so that I could have help with my sui–"  
"I _said_ not to argue like this."

I'll give you a small detail now, you deserve it. Now Brutus was kind of just standing over Cassius, who was laying down.

"Do you think this is going to work?"  
"I'm pretty sure."  
"Are you sure you're sure?"  
"I think."  
"Is this even a sex position?"  
"Maybe."  
"I'll trust you there."

What came next were screams of pain.

"I didn't say bite it! Are you crazy!?"  
"I didn't have dinner."  
"Didn't have dinner my ass."  
"Okay, then."  
"What does that mean?"

There was a break here while they changed positions.

"I didn't mean it like that. Not that I mind this."  
"How was I supposed to know?"  
"My god, are you drunk, Cassius?"  
"Well, I don't _think_ so."

It went on in a way like that for a while, until they realized that it was later at night.

"I should leave," Cassius pointed out.  
"Well, you need your clothes first."  
"True. Where are they?" Brutus looked for the clothes, and couldn't find them.  
"I don't know. They're _your_ clothes. You look for them. I'm going to sleep."  
"Right here?"  
"Right here. If you're here when I wake up you're not going to die in battle, you'll die here."

He then fell asleep. When he woke up, he had his clothes back on, even though he had no recollection off them having been on when he was still awake. Going outside, he noticed something. It was a cloud. But not just any cloud.

Because this cloud was shaped like something he remembered well from last night. He saw a jet in the sky and realized that it wasn't a cloud. It was a jet trail.

And of what?

Why, I'm sure you'll be able to tell.

* * *

AN: You read it. The first thing that I publish on . Well, maybe you skipped down to leave a bad review, and I can't blame you for that. This was a shitty parody and isn't meant to be a serious piece of writing. And with that, we part.


End file.
